View my full profile in the FreeIndex Hypnotherapy Directory directory.


Everybody Hates Dieting Online

Monday 23rd January 2012

Failing to lose weight despite your best intentions?  This program might just help.

http://www.everybodyhatesdieting.com 

Everybody Hates Dieting Online

Add a comment | Posted by Andrew Austin at 07:47

On Guilt

Monday 2nd January 2012

As emotions go, guilt is one of the most useless ones.  It serves minimal positive function and can serve to really ruin a person's day and render them foolish.  Unlike some emotions, guilt is not time dependent - it doesn't fade over time.  It lurks.
 
Guilt can also jump time.  Things can happen during the course of life that are all quite normal, then something happens to change our perceptions and suddenly we can remember something that previously appeared innocuous to us, but with our new found perspective, we can feel guilty about it.
 
And we can feel guilty about things we have done, we can feel guilty about things we didn't do, but wish we had, and of course we can feel guilty for nothing at all.  We don't have to have done something or omitted to do something in order to feel guilty.  Others can make us feel guilty through their expectations of us.  Expectations can lead to disappointment, and their feeling of disappointment can lead to our feeling of guilt.  It's funny how some emotions link up to others in a  certain sequence and logical order.  
 
It's like this:
 
  • You expect something of me.
  • I don't deliver.
  • You are disappointed in me.
  • I feel guilty about that.
 
But was the expectation fair in the first place?  I have long observed that high expectations of a person can seriously undermine them and erode their self confidence.  After all, when the person does the action, are they doing for themselves, or doing it because it is what is expected of them?
 
Now, by "the action" this might be a behaviour, i.e. something they do, or an identity, i.e. something they are.
 
Here's an example I've witnessed recently.  An intelligent young woman from a privileged background is at that junction in life where study ends and either further education is undertaken, or a career is selected.  She is bright, she is articulate, she has potential.  
 
The great weight of unspoken pressure is there for her to be an achiever.  The university brochures are scanned through, the careers advisor is attended, wise words from family elders are spoken.
 
But the truth is she doesn't want any of that.  She wants to get married, have children, be a housewife.  

But that doesn't fit with the image of the potential that has been ascribed to her.  After all, she is so young, it would be a shame to throw it all away...
 
This is an identity conflict.  So in order to void the disappointment of others this young woman is going through all the motions of university application.  Half-hearted efforts that repeatedly result in failure, late appointments, accidental absences and continual low level illnesses and afflictions.  Everyone is asking, "What is wrong with Polly?"
 
The obvious is just too elusive.  There is nothing wrong with Polly.  The elephant in the room goes unnoticed though.
 
So we get:
  • You expect something of me.
  • I fail to deliver.
  • You are disappointed in me.
  • My maladies explain why I failed so that your erroneous perception of me never has to be corrected.
  • No one has to feel guilty any more.
 
As a clinician who spends many hours a week working with complex social and family issues, I see so many relationship difficulties that arise from the attempts to avoid guilt.  People deceive, they lie, they convince themselves it is for the best.  White lies.  Deception in the other person's best interests.
 
Guilt doesn't make people good people, it makes them act like irrational fools and it makes them do stupid stuff.  As a professional change worker, I have long held the view that guilt does not facilitate change - in fact it is the exact opposite, it inhibits it.  I shall explain my reasoning for this.
 
Guilty people are always apologising and trying to make amends, but they continue doing the same stuff.  If guilt was effective at creating change, why do they have to keep apologising?
 
Primarily it is because of time orientation.  Guilt is about the past - it is a retrospective emotion.  For example, we don't feel guilty about things that have not happened, or are yet to happen.  That emotion is called anxiety and anxiety is a prospective emotion.
 
So, guilt is about what has been, anxiety is about what is to come.
 
You cannot change what has been.  Small point, I know, but worth knowing.
 
Now, it isn't entirely uncommon for individuals to punish others by making them feel guilty.  Last year I had a client whom I unceremoniously ejected from the session owing to his unsavoury behaviour.  He yelled, then he texted, then he emailed the threats of suicide telling me to think about how awful I'd feel if he killed himself.  The ultimate blackmail - do as I say, or I'll kill myself, then see how you feel.
 
This isn't a good strategy.  You see if we try to motivate a person with guilt, look at the situation the guilt laden person is now in - the actions they now undertake are orientated in order to lessen their feeling of guilt, not necessarily to change any prospective behaviours.
 
Let me give you an easy example.  Imagine I have an unpleasant habit of repeatedly jabbing you in the face with my left thumb.  You tell me how much you dislike this behaviour and load me up with some guilt.  I may well now look to relieve myself of this guilt by making amends for what I have done.  but is this necessarily going to change what i am going to do in the future?  Possible, but from experience, probably not.
 
I might "make amends" about what has been, but once I am free from the guilt, the chances are that I will carry on as before until i am loaded up with guilt again.  And so the process is repeated. 
 
Thus to summarise the point: a guilty person usually seeks to free themselves from their guilt, not necessarily to change their behaviour, perception of you or their future conduct.  Once they are free from guilt, everything is reset to the way it was before the offence was raised.
 
It looks like this:
  • I poke you in the face.
  • You tell me how bad this is.
  • I feel guilty and apologise.
  • You accept the apology and we shake hands.
  • I feel better and I poke you in the face again.
So, in order to get a person to change, we need to get them to drop their guilt as a strategy for making things better.  Their guilt is has nothing to do with behavioural change, and behavioural change is the better outcome.
 
It's worth mentioning here - if you are a person who feels a sense of satisfaction from making another person feel guilty, please stop doing this.  The people who do this are both professional victims and bullies.  As with my client example earlier, by using the threat of suicide he aims to turn me into his puppet, something completely under his control.  I have known many relationships between people that are controlled this way.  The threat is never actually made explicit, but rather it is implied and it becomes yet another elephant in an increasingly crowded room.  People start to feel suffocated but cannot leave for fear of what might happen if they do.
 
When guilt creeps into a relationship, silent and not so silent control games begin emerge.  Rules get made, rules get broken.  Long silences - silent rows that can last for hours become commonplace, issues get skirted around and no one feels all that good any more.  If the relationship continues, homeostasis can be found when the maladies begin - insomnia, headaches, migraines, chronic fatigue, tired all the time syndrome, easy explanations, tempers and angers (often directed outside of the relationship - maybe towards politicians, maybe towards the neighbours or the spotty guy in the DIY store).  Blood pressure can rise, serotonin levels can fall and sooner or later diagnosable physical symptoms emerge.
 
A persistent low level of background guilt can be devastating the quality of life.  As trainees in Integral Eye Movement Therapy will be aware, there is an intimate relationship between guilt, worry and anger ( "The Three Pillars" model).
  • Persistent guilt is a trigger for worry.
  • Worry is a trigger for anger.
  • Anger is a trigger for guilt.
  • And around and around it goes.  
 
If this patterns continues for any length of time, it can lead to a serious state of depression.  Of course, a state of depression is just perfect for feeling guilty, for feeling anxious and for getting angry.  
 
People caught in this cycle are often a nightmare to be around, their behaviour affects other people, which of course in turn leads to yet more guilt.  In my book, The Rainbow Machine, I describe the behaviours common to Right Man Syndrome what was interesting was the effect this chapter would have.  I was inundated with emails and messages from people who thought either that 1. I was describing them or 2. describing someone they knew.  A number of clinicians contacted me to describe their relief at my response to dealing with Right Man Syndrome (get them out the door as quickly as possible and refer them to a therapist you don't like!).  This enabled me to gather a lot more data and has led me to two simple conclusions.
  1. Right Man Syndrome sufferers feel guilt stronger than other people and are more negatively affected by it.
  2. Right Man Syndrome is a strategy that develops primarily to avoid feeling guilt.
 
So, in summary...
 
When things go wrong and guilt arises, the behaviours that emerge will lean towards resolving this guilt, not at changing their future behaviours.
 
The result of this is a situational and relationship reset where everything gets put back to what it was before the upset.  Chances are high that the issue will re-emerge later on.  Repeatedly.
 
Absolution of guilt is not change.  What changes is the person's perception on what has been, not what will be.
 
Thus, resolution of guilt is only the first, and lets face it, the least important aspect of creating change.  Guilt is resolved only in order to permit the prospective change to begin.
 
What is frustrating for me, as a change worker, is knowing just how easy and quickly guilt can be resolved.  Usually within a few minutes an entire lifetime of guilt can be resolved using the appropriate processes, but what is frustrating is that guilty people are usually quite defensive and are keen to enter into a state of denial when the subject is raised.  For so many people, guilt is equal to blame, and blame is bad and so is best avoided.  Cue:  the beginnings of Right Man Syndrome, where being right is more important than being happy.
 
The other frustration is then getting the guilt laden person to actually do the process.  So many people seem content to simply get an intellectual understanding of the resolution processes but they never actually try them out.
 
A particular problem with guilt resolution can arise though.  The person who feels guilty requires the offended party to also change - "She must accept my apology!"
 
But why?
 
If I poke you in the face and then feel terrible about that, why should you accept my apology?  It is as though because I feel bad, then you have to accept me.  By feeling bad and offering an apology, I now make you responsible for my emotional welfare.
 
So not only have I jammed my thumb into your face, but I now hold you responsible for how bad I feel about it!
 
And, to top it off, if you don't accept my apology,  this will make you the bad person.
  • I poke you in the face.  I apologise.
  • Wounded, you don't accept the apology.
  • Well screw you.  Let me now tell you why you get poked in the face by people like me.
Power struggles get played out frequently around issues of guilt.
 
So, in resolution for guilt, it is important for the guilty party to give up the need for others to either understand or to change.  The guilt is theirs, and theirs alone.
 
But it isn't a cross to bear.  So many guilty people like to romanticise their suffering this way.
 
As I like to say to these clients, "What you think you are? Jesus?" and then remind them that they are just not that important.  They are not important enough to martyr themselves, but they do have a responsibility to change, and change they shall.
 
It isn't a cross to bear.  It is something to be put down.  Given up.  Dropped.
 
Once they have done this, THEN they can begin to do the business of putting things right. 
 
I remind clients that their guilt is about them and has nothing to do with the other person.  Here's a demonstration of how to do this.
  1. Ask the client:  "How strong is this guilt that you experience, on a score out of 10, with 10 being as strong as it can be?"
  2. Ask the client:  "And how familiar is this feeling of guilt?"
  3. Ask the client:  "And when is the first time that you can remember feeling this guilt feeling…now it may not be the first time you ever felt it, but rather is the first time that you can remember now?"  (Ref:  Integral Eye Movement Therapy)
Nearly every time, the feeling pre-dates the situation that is reported to be the presenting problem.  If you felt this same feeling before the current situation, then this situation has little to do with how you feel.  It is the earlier situation that taught you to feel this way.
 
Guilt resolution processes feature in a number of areas of my work.  Integral Eye Movement Therapy has a simple enough processes that virtually anyone can use, and I have a more comprehensive model developed within the Metaphors of Movement work.  For those who experience guilt in relation to dieting and eating, then a more traditional remedial approach is described in Everybody Hates Dieting.

Add a comment | Posted by Andrew Austin at 16:56

2011 Review

Tuesday 20th December 2011

All in all, 2011 has proven to be a challenging year, complete with adventure, mis-adventure, friendship and tragedy.  Sadly this blog post is being written outside an intensive care unit where I and various family have been camped out for some days keeping vigil for a close family member.  I’m getting occasional ‘net access at Starbucks next door and would like to apologise to anyone who hasn’t heard back from me for a while.  I’ll catch up on emails and calls eventually. 

2011 began with a superb business trip to south India with Nick Kemp.  Initially we were visiting to teach just one workshop, but we ended up presenting at the Indian Psychological Association, to the psychology department of a local women's college and we made an appearance on Indian television on a current affairs show about psychological issues.  India is that kind of country where opportunity awaits around every corner and you can never be quite sure what is going to happen next.  We had a whirlwind trip of amazing hospitality, fantastic food and adventure around every corner for which I will be eternally grateful to the incredible Dr. Abraham for all is help and organisation.  Both myself and Nick will be heading back to India in October 2012 for workshops in Kochi, Kerala.  Details of this and my other India workshops and events can be found here:  India NLP Training.

Following various UK workshops, I was invited to Sweden by Eva Hols for a Metaphors of Money workshop and also a presentation to the superbly attended Swedish NLP Association.  Present at the Metaphors of Money workshop was a journalist from Svenska Dagbladet which landed me a fantastic review in the Swedish press.

Tragedy struck in March, with the unexpected death of one of my closest friends and on my way from the funeral to Swindon for the IEMT workshop, I briefly did an impression of a rocket-bike when my motorcycle burst into flames in the fast lane of the dual carriageway. It took me a moment to work out what was going on. I first saw the smoke behind me and thought, “Uh oh, someone is in trouble.”  The next thing I became aware of was a frantic flashing of lights from cars behind me and the honking of horns.  My next thought was, “Oh, might be worthwhile getting out of the way,” and it was when a car drew up alongside me with a woman leaning out of the window waving her arms furiously and quite literally screaming that I realised that all the excitement was being caused by me.  One of my overloaded panniers had been in contact with the exhaust pipe and my laptop, spare clothes, seminar hand-outs and posters where all merrily alight.

Fortunately, I escaped without injury and I can honestly say that the whole episode was the most exciting thing I have ever experienced.

As a really strange aside, my budget laptop (I tend to drop them so I only ever buy cheap ones) which hardly resembles a laptop any more with nearly all the casing melted away, the disk drive no longer present (it fell out) and all ports except for the power socket completely melted, the thing actually still works.  It’s an Advent, in case anyone wonders.

In April I travelled to Boulder, Colorado to stay with the wonderful Steve and Connirae Andreas to present the first four day Metaphors of Movement workshop which went better than I could have imagined.  Whilst there, I filmed four client sessions on the same day, and the unedited sessions form the basis of, “Building The Rainbow Machine” a DVD set is designed to open the doors to a typical day in my clinical practice.  Recent circumstances have delayed the release of this set, but details can be found here:  Building The Rainbow Machine DVD Set.

In May, another USA trip took me to Rochester, New York for the IEMT practitioner and advanced practitioner, hosted by the unstoppable James Cervelloni and Lucia Pinizotti, from the Mindopoly Center for Change and then onto Washington DC for a 2 day weight loss event hosted by the wonderful and up and coming Gaye Gunes. Both these events went so well, I’ll be back in Rochester and Washington in September 2012.

In June I had one of the most unusual and brilliant experiences of my professional life when I was invited to participate in a theatre production by the improvisation group, Improbable.  The improvised show ran for two nights in a completely sold out small theatre.  The first night was one of the funniest things I could have imagined; the second night was positively sinister.  The nature of improvised shows is that you never know quite what is going to happen.  Whilst I couldn't have been more stressed by the whole thing, the audience loved it and getting everyone to go home after the show proved quite difficult.

Then in June it was off to sunny Poland for a workshop on depression and also Metaphors of Money, hosted by my good friend Artur Krol, and from there straight on to the monsoon rain in Bangalore, India for a number of events hosted by the legendary man known simply as GS.  I’d not been to Bangalore for several years and it was great to be able to explore the greenest city once again.

An unholy dose of airline food-poisoning put me in bed for 2 weeks which gave rise to a temporary set of neurological symptoms that I never care to experience again but the two weeks in bed gave me time to develop a new module in the, “Metaphors of…” series which I will present in experimental form towards the end of next year.

In August, I began work with my good friend and business and marketing expert, Michael Christon, on the project that was to become Everybody Hates Dieting.  Working with Michael has been an education in itself when it comes to product design, film editing and marketing and I have learned loads.  Having been exposed to a number of marketing gurus over the years, I was always left feeling rather underwhelmed, but every conversation with Michael leads to "aha!" moments and insights and the business side of my work goes from strength to strength as a result.  

Adding to the list of personal challenges, in September I presented at a medical conference in Turkey and on the way to the coast following my presentations a near fatal car accident had our taxi leaving the road and over the edge of a cliff where incredibly our descent was broken by a small group of trees growing out of the cliff side.  I escaped largely unhurt, but Laura was admitted to hospital for a few days with head and neck injuries.  This incident has proven to be pivotal in a number of ways.  Two weeks of feeling rather jittery and sensitive to loud noises ended quite suddenly with a rather dramatic nightmare, which in a strange kind of way, was a re-enactment of the accident.  I awoke from this nightmare, startling Laura in the process and instantly felt back to normal.  Much like the food poisoning incident, this gave me first-hand experience of symptoms I have only ever seen second hand previously.  For me the interesting part of the aftermath of the accident was the low level PTSD.  Realistically, it was low level because really not a lot happened apart from a very-scary-thing.  No one was killed, no one was seriously injured (i.e. no life altering injuries), there was no crime, blame or aggression in the incident.  It was a simple accident caused by a driver driving too fast (he survived too).  For me what was interesting was the manifestation of post-incident guilt/shame/regret/remorse, but nothing that was obviously related to the accident.  I found it very difficult to concentrate, felt exhausted all the time and found myself very sensitive to loud noises and was easily startled.  I found myself remembering things from childhood, from my nursing days, from school.  My mind would wander to the most abstract things and I would replay events from long ago in my mind in ways I'd never done before.  I first became conscious of this when trying to read the newspaper in the bath one morning. I have no idea why, but I suddenly remembered flicking a bit of snot at someone at school, it wasn't as a joke, it was simply an act of bullying, the recipient was a common victim of other children's juvenile nastiness, and I felt quite terrible about that.  I almost cried.

Later the same day, Laura was putting the cutlery away, and the noise of that action really irritated me.  I actually wanted to suggest that she did the chores more quietly, I was about to shout something when she beat me to it asking me if I wanted a cup of tea.  I was straight back to feeling guilty again.

Having worked with a large number of PTSD patients, many of whom have experienced and survived some really horrible stuff, I'd never considered that the associated problems with guilt etc. may not necessarily connect to the incident but may manifest in other ways. I slept soundly, without dreams.  This for me is unusual, I normally have vivid dreams that often turn into major adventures.  I'd wake up exhausted from each dreamless sleep.

A number of people asked me if I did any therapy on myself or Laura to resolve this.  I didn't.  Nor did I do any on myself.  I was quite surprised at how often I was asked this and a couple of times I lied and said, "of course, and everything is fine now" just to get rid of the questioning and unhelpful suggestions.  Time and repeated experience have done little to diminish my exasperation at just how intrusive some "therapists" can be with their questioning and ideas and how some people are utterly incapable of taking a polite hint to bugger off.

A couple of people with experience in working with PTSD did contact me to offer their services should they be needed, and I am grateful for that.  Thank you.

What has been interesting is that since waking up from that particular nightmare, is just how I feel remarkably relaxed about everything.  I see so many things differently now than before, and it feels good.  It almost makes the whole thing quite worthwhile.

October and November saw me travelling around the UK delivering more Metaphors of Movement workshops, including some experimental workshops where I trialled new material for 2012 MoM events.

Also in November, I finally managed to release, "The Complete IEMT Sessions" DVD set which sold out on pre-orders before I'd even received the stock copies and a second print run had to be ordered.  As stock levels stand at the moment, I have just 1 copy left.  I'll be restocking after Christmas in the New Year.

When I put together the material for the IEMT workshop, I had no expectation for what was going to happen with the work, but the popularity of the model has exceeded all of my expectations and it is being taught and practiced internationally and the field continues to grow.  IEMT is being experimented with and developed by a number of professional trainers in the areas of business management, allergy and psoriasis, pain management and trauma. 

2012 promises to be a busy year with much overseas travel for events across the USA, Canada, Poland, India, Sweden as well as some planned collaboration with notables such as Lucas Derks and others to be named as details are confirmed.

But that is all for the near future.  For now, with hours spent each day in hospital visitors’ rooms, I am witnessing and experiencing the strength and courage of strangers in difficult times as I get to know a little of the families of other patients in the intensive care unit – some of whom will inevitably survive and recover, and others who probably won’t. There is a sense of realistic hope in places like this, with much support offered both by staff and by the other people who share difficult circumstances.  It is the little and often silent gestures that make a difference and the determination of people to maintain morale in the face of tragedy that enables others to cope.  Shared humour abounds.  Yesterday, a couple of us watched the “Christmas Message” videos put out by various life coaches and howled with laughter. Life coaches and NLP trainers ought to take note of this – some of your youtube videos are providing much entertainment and relief to people in genuine distress, and not for the reasons you necessarily intended.

There, I had to say it.  An Andy Austin blog post would be complete without a little rant.  So, all is that is left for me to say is that I wish you all a safe and festive holiday season and I hope Santa brings you something nice.

Regards,

Andy Austin

Add a comment | Posted by Andrew Austin at 05:47

NLP rebellion...

Thursday 17th November 2011

In November 2011, the NLP practitioners rebelled...

Add a comment | Posted by Andrew Austin at 18:57

Everybody Hates Dieting

Monday 7th November 2011

Announcement!!

This is launched this week:  http://www.everybodyhatesdieting.com

Please leave comments and "like" (via Facebook).

 

 

Everybody Hates Dieting

Add a comment | Posted by Andrew Austin at 13:24